all wrong

i think that somehow, someplace, i got it all wrong. 

i’m young and i’m dumb and i know nothing to such a multitude that i don’t know what i don’t know. but, i think, that’s kind of the point. 

i continuously find myself imagining a future of being settled down and knowing what the hell taxes are, of having laugh lines around my eyes as deep as my knowledge of the world and as deep as my certainty of my place in it. i keep on thinking this will happen 2-4-6-8 years down the road and that will be that. i will have a career and a family and a place to call home and i won’t be as clueless as i am now. 

i don’t quite think i’m hitting the mark there. 

why am i skipping to the part in my life where i’m no longer young and naive? like it’s a bad thing, to live and think and know as i do now. why do i spend every week looking forward to friday, to saturday, like today’s so bad? like it’s something i have to force myself to get through, hold on to until the time i really wish it was? 

i want to hit pause for a second. just one. maybe two, if i’m really lucky. convince myself that it’s okay. it’s okay to not be all that i can every waking moment. it’s okay to forget a promise, to flunk a test, to be in young and dumb and in love. i’m still learning. the only life long job i will ever have is to continue that of education. 

i keep on thinking that because i’m young and dumb and in love, that it isn’t real. that i’ll get my heart broken and do stupid things because of some pretty girl’s smile, and yeah. that might happen. i can’t say it won’t. but that is such an awful way to live, and i refuse to abide by those rules. i can’t keep waiting for something good to end, i can’t keep waiting to one day know what i don’t now, i can’t keep waiting for friday. these feelings are real and valid and i’m going to hold onto them with both hands clenched and shaking. they’re mine, and i won’t let tomorrow take them. 

-l